Big Step

On a recent walk, I was talking to my husband about something I’ve been wrestling with for quite some time. In a brief and rare moment where I wasn’t rambling, he was able to slip in some advice. It was good, really good, and not just because he was able to spot a pause in my ramble. His advice gave me the direction I was looking for.

Ever have something weighing on you that you feel you should be doing but haven’t yet begun to act on it? I’m not talking about the pile of laundry near the washing machine or the dust on the TV stand that’s screaming for attention. This is something you can’t seem to shake. It's an awkward place between blatant procrastination and a longing to jump in head first and going for it. I have. It’s been going on for almost a decade. With much prayer and encouragement from loved ones, I’ve decided to take a leap of faith, and do it. I’m casting fear of failure aside and taking a big step. That sentence alone makes me take a big breath to slow my heart rate down.

I’m going to go skydiving. Okay, that’s not it, albeit on my bucket list. Drum roll, please…..I’m going to write a book.

I’m not sure how long it will take or what exactly it will look like. However, I've got a vision and am excited to see where the Lord will take it. If you think of it, would you pray for me in this journey? I’m walking by faith on this one, friends. I encourage you to do the same. What have you been putting off? Try taking a step of faith with me, and let’s see where we go with it. Hang on tight. It could be a wild ride!

Proverbs 16:3  “Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.”

A Birthday Letter to My Son

My oldest child has a birthday this week. I say my oldest, as if I have lots of kids. As if he’s a man in his twenties or something. Neither is true, and he’s turning two. It feels like he is two going on twenty some days. He’s growing up way too fast.  I decided to write him a letter for his second birthday. It recaps a few things from this year and explains why his Mom is the way she is.

Dear Son,

Happy Birthday! What a year it has been. We’ve laughed, cried, and had lots of fun.

It has been an eventful year for you. You became a big brother this year, thus being dethroned as the only special little person in the house. That’s a rough road to walk, especially at your age. You are a great big brother though, and are sharing your life in a wonderful way with him. I pray you will be best friends soon. I just know you two will have so much fun and probably get into lots of trouble too.

You broke your first bone and survived without missing much of a beat. You added a million different words, looks, concepts, memories, and most importantly- dance moves to our world. Boy, you can dance, and it makes everyone smile.

We said goodbye to Nana this year. She lives in heaven now. She was my Mommy and your Grandmother. She loved you very much. You made her smile even on the days she was feeling very sick and was in so much pain. Saying goodbye to her was very hard for Mommy. You made it easier though. You reminded me life goes on and is still good. You reminded me to cherish the little things you do, the everyday memories we make in life, and to remember we aren’t promised a long time together. We must make the most of the days we have.  You helped my broken heart start healing. Thank You.  

Adding your brother to our family has been a big deal. You’ve been a great helper, just like a big boy would. The day I had your brother, I left for the hospital before lunch. A few hours later, you arrived to meet him. I remember it vividly. You came walking in dragging your wheeled car/bag bag behind you. You had grown up in a matter of hours. You were no longer a baby. You were a big boy.  It literally took my breath away.

Lots of things take my breath away about you. You’re a kind hearted, long lashed, funny, loud music loving, fast moving, sand castle building, break dancing, wiggly, handsome little man. I couldn’t love you any more than I already do, and nothing will ever change that. I have lofty dreams for you and big prayers. I think you may just change the world one day. It’s not hard to imagine. You’ve already changed my world.

I think you will grow up to be a good man, much like your Dad. He’s a good man too. I love you, Son. It’s why I’ll probably cut your grapes in fourths for the rest of your life. It’s why I keep cleaning your ears in public, and fix your hair with freshly licked fingers in front of others. It’s why I kiss you…a lot. I know you think it’s too much. It’s not. It’s why I’ll play with your hair every time you get near for a cuddle. It’s why I’ll worry about you getting hurt, hover over you trying new things where you could get hurt, and double check your seat belt. I can’t help it.  I will love and want to protect you always, even when you can’t see it or understand.

On this, your second birthday, I wish for you a happy day. I wish for a day of no Time Outs. I wish for you a day of laughter, love, and maybe a gift or two from your Dad, Brother, and I. May your year ahead be fruitful and full of joy, growth, safety, good health, blessings, and fun.  Happy Birthday, Sweet Boy. Happy Birthday, to you! 

Love, 
Mommy

You Might Have a Newborn If:

You look at your sleeping child and wonder if they will ever realize how much you love them.

Smiles outweigh moments of spit up. You almost forgot about the spit up pooled on your clothing when a big toothless half grin pears up at you…almost.

You realize whoever said, “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend,” is a liar. It’s elastic. Specifically, elastic waist pants.

Your sleep deprivation coincides with your minor case of undiagnosed OCD, when you get annoyed the breast pump doesn’t pump at the beat of the music playing on your IPhone.

You have a moment of tears when you try to fix a meal for your family and you can’t find a knife sharp enough to cut the skin off the raw chicken.

Almost daily, you have an internal conflicting debate about what to do with your 5 minutes of free time. Shower or eat? This may be your only chance for either.

You happily manage to “baby talk” in a high pitch tone while fighting a splitting headache.

A trip to the pharmacy or grocery store is a day or night out on the town, or at least that’s what it feels like.

You fear the day you have to grocery shop alone with two small children.

You try on your wedding ring on at least twice a week, hoping your swelling and weight have dropped enough to squeeze it on.

Cuddles and skin to skin somehow make you forget there is a world outside of your own home.

Any day you are not in your pajamas while you are fixing lunch is a successful day.

You Google “What to do if your newborn is….” at least biweekly.

Your distain for folding laundry has reached an all time high with the exception of doing your children’s clothing. Those are still just plain old cute. You never get tired of looking at those little pieces.

You only know what day of the week it is by what is playing on “prime time” aka “colic time” TV.

You got 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep last night. In related news, you had enough energy to make car sounds as you raced your toddler’s plate over to the breakfast table. 

You realize those who tell you to “Nap when the baby naps” have never had a sink full of breast pump pieces and Dr. Brown bottles. They mean well, so you smile and nod.

You caught your toddler brushing his hair with the Swiffer and secretly wish he would volunteer to “brush” the dusty furniture for you.

During the day, you wish you could capture all the sweet moments and stuff them in the baby book. Really, you do because you fear you won’t have time to ever write in the baby book.

When you look at your baby, you thank God for the precious gift He’s given you. You try to wrap your brain around how His grace and blessings are beyond what you deserve.

Almost Ready For Baby Boy's Arrival

You Might be Pregnant and Raising a Toddler If:

-It’s Noon on a Wednesday afternoon and would be lunchtime by most standards, but you finally got your toddler to take a nap after battling for over an hour. You will wait until he wakes to eat lunch. Not because you’re being polite, but because you just downed a bowl of ice cream in a brief moment of not feeling obligated to share it that would have been if you waited until later.

-Your house is messy. The main toilet is clean, but that’s about all you have to offer.

-Laundry has been getting done on an as needed basis.

-Your hair straightener practically begged you to be used this morning, but your child’s curious hands + consistent hanging on your leg prevented that from happening. Today you half- heartedly display a messy hair look.  That’s code for, “You ran out of time and energy. “

-There are two big pads of art paper on the living room floor. They are great for art time. Art time was two days ago.

-You had a talk with your child today about how it is okay to dance by the table, at the table, and under the table. It is NOT okay to dance on top of the table. Pediatrician was right. These ARE pretty important formative years. You hope this lesson lasts long into his/her adult years.

-You find yourself standing at your bathroom sink with acne treatment in one hand and age defying night cream in the other.  How did you get here? Is this skin care purgatory? Still battling teenage breakouts yet fighting the increasing wrinkles that are multiplying exponentially on your face. Somehow the teenage/middle age seasons of life overlapped when you weren’t looking.  You’re not sure how you missed it or how to find your way out.

-You’ve reach that size in pregnancy that each time you sit on the edge of your child’s toddler bed to tuck him in, your husband braces for the sound of the bed’s support boards breaking. If it weren’t such a practical concern, you would be mad about this.

-Today is the day your child figured out how to open the public bathroom stall door (while you’re using it) from the inside. Coincidently, it’s also the day you added  “Nanny” to your “If I ever win the lottery” wish list.

-Normally, you fix healthy meals. Right now, if there were a shortage of peanut butter, jelly, cheese sticks, or chicken nuggets at the store, you would be lost…very lost.

-Your toddler is wearing a rotation of 4 different outfits. You have more outfits to offer, but these 4 are the ones with no buttons and no zippers. If you count running around in just a diaper as an outfit, you can make his regular wardrobe jump to 5 outfits total.

-Your husband isn’t sure how to respond to the sounds of pain that come from you in the middle of the night. Is it a muscle cramp, contraction, dream, grunting from the effort it takes to turn from one side to the next, or are you just reliving the difficult parts of your day?

-Your standard on many things has lowered when it comes to what you let slide for your child. If you have to bend to fix or clean it, it can probably just wait. Playing in the toilet, eating bugs, and licking the floor still remain unacceptable and gross though.

-You don’t care if your shorts match your shirt. You can’t see the shorts anyway since your belly is so big. Chances are they will get stained with peanut butter or jelly by the time you are ready to leave the house anyway.

-Your husband makes a comment on how the kitchen hasn’t been over heating, while you are cooking dinner, since the new A/C was put in.  You remind him that you haven’t cooked in over a week and that might be why it’s not over heating during dinner time.

-You have allowed yourself to count regular swim lessons as bathing for your child. Both involve water. Both involve thrashing around. 

When The Answer Is "No"

Ever pray for something that didn’t get the response you were hoping for? Ever have faith in something that didn’t happen? Ever knock on the door only to seemingly have it opened enough for you to see to the other side, but then slammed in your face? Ever been so disappointed it physically hurt?

Maybe you were left with a feeling of rejection, abandonment, or a feeling of being shunned. Maybe you felt confused. Maybe you were crushed and dumbfounded. Maybe you felt deceived or were just numb. We are told if we have faith the size of a mustard seed, we can move mountains. What if you have faith greater than that seed, but the mountain doesn’t move?

After the death of my Mother, I really wanted to stand up and shout to the world that we are all going to die, and most of us will have a slow suffering death. I was mad at the world that had robbed and put her though so much. I realized it will rob most of us in ways that will march us to our inevitable death bed. I thought everyone should know this truth. Pretty encouraging, right? Thankfully, I restrained from shouting this out in crowds in an effort to protect my family and friends from thinking I was losing my mind.  As the sting of losing her battles the blessings that flood my way, I’ve lost the want to stress that point to everyone. That’s a good thing. Light is stronger than darkness.

As my Mother laid in a hospital bed getting sicker and sicker, I had all the faith in the world God was going to save her with the transplant she desperately needed. I waited. Day after day after day, I waited. As I poured over scripture that reassured me He saves and heals those in need, I clung to that hope. The door violently slammed. The transplant never happened, and the answer to my prayer was, “No.” I can’t express how much it hurt. I knew He could have saved her, but He didn’t.

I refuse to go to Him with the question of “why?” I know what the answer would be. I knew it the second the question even popped in my head after she died. Job in the Bible asked it and was put in his place. I think The Lord responded with something like, “Where were you when I formed the earth?!” I know my place and am not going there with that question. When it’s all been said and done, I’m left with the fact I still trust Him.  I know He sees all the “what if’s” of every situation and makes decisions based on what is best for us. Maybe what was best for her was not that transplant. Maybe it’s not all about me, and what I want.

Here’s the thing: A sovereign God always hears, always cares, and always answers. Sometimes the answer isn’t what we want or even what we have faith in. There’s a difference between what He CAN do and what He WILL do. Ouch. Not many praise songs on that topic, is there? We don’t like to talk about it, but it’s reality. We live in a dark world. Bad things happen.  Sometimes He doesn’t answer the way we want. The question isn’t whether He is sovereign. The question is whether we will still trust even though we hurt, and even when the answer is “no.” 

I struggle with parenting my son at times. I try to teach him manners, respect, and the difference between right and wrong. There are situations where he does everything right. He asks nicely, he is respectful, and does everything I’ve taught him. Sometimes I have to tell him “No” anyway. As I watch him cry and hurt about what seems so unfair, I hurt too. I hate hurting him, even when I know it’s what is best for him.  Recently, it’s in those moments I realize my parenting is just a mirror image of the One who made and parents me. Just as I hope my son will trust me because I know what’s best, I need to trust God’s plan too. I must go on and move forward. I still hurt, still process, and still feel angry at the world and all the darkness in it. I however still trust in the One who hurts with me. I still trust His plan even though there are things I don’t understand in it. After all, He’s the One directing the steps.

The LORD directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way? Proverbs 20:24