Almost Ready For Baby Boy's Arrival

You Might be Pregnant and Raising a Toddler If:

-It’s Noon on a Wednesday afternoon and would be lunchtime by most standards, but you finally got your toddler to take a nap after battling for over an hour. You will wait until he wakes to eat lunch. Not because you’re being polite, but because you just downed a bowl of ice cream in a brief moment of not feeling obligated to share it that would have been if you waited until later.

-Your house is messy. The main toilet is clean, but that’s about all you have to offer.

-Laundry has been getting done on an as needed basis.

-Your hair straightener practically begged you to be used this morning, but your child’s curious hands + consistent hanging on your leg prevented that from happening. Today you half- heartedly display a messy hair look.  That’s code for, “You ran out of time and energy. “

-There are two big pads of art paper on the living room floor. They are great for art time. Art time was two days ago.

-You had a talk with your child today about how it is okay to dance by the table, at the table, and under the table. It is NOT okay to dance on top of the table. Pediatrician was right. These ARE pretty important formative years. You hope this lesson lasts long into his/her adult years.

-You find yourself standing at your bathroom sink with acne treatment in one hand and age defying night cream in the other.  How did you get here? Is this skin care purgatory? Still battling teenage breakouts yet fighting the increasing wrinkles that are multiplying exponentially on your face. Somehow the teenage/middle age seasons of life overlapped when you weren’t looking.  You’re not sure how you missed it or how to find your way out.

-You’ve reach that size in pregnancy that each time you sit on the edge of your child’s toddler bed to tuck him in, your husband braces for the sound of the bed’s support boards breaking. If it weren’t such a practical concern, you would be mad about this.

-Today is the day your child figured out how to open the public bathroom stall door (while you’re using it) from the inside. Coincidently, it’s also the day you added  “Nanny” to your “If I ever win the lottery” wish list.

-Normally, you fix healthy meals. Right now, if there were a shortage of peanut butter, jelly, cheese sticks, or chicken nuggets at the store, you would be lost…very lost.

-Your toddler is wearing a rotation of 4 different outfits. You have more outfits to offer, but these 4 are the ones with no buttons and no zippers. If you count running around in just a diaper as an outfit, you can make his regular wardrobe jump to 5 outfits total.

-Your husband isn’t sure how to respond to the sounds of pain that come from you in the middle of the night. Is it a muscle cramp, contraction, dream, grunting from the effort it takes to turn from one side to the next, or are you just reliving the difficult parts of your day?

-Your standard on many things has lowered when it comes to what you let slide for your child. If you have to bend to fix or clean it, it can probably just wait. Playing in the toilet, eating bugs, and licking the floor still remain unacceptable and gross though.

-You don’t care if your shorts match your shirt. You can’t see the shorts anyway since your belly is so big. Chances are they will get stained with peanut butter or jelly by the time you are ready to leave the house anyway.

-Your husband makes a comment on how the kitchen hasn’t been over heating, while you are cooking dinner, since the new A/C was put in.  You remind him that you haven’t cooked in over a week and that might be why it’s not over heating during dinner time.

-You have allowed yourself to count regular swim lessons as bathing for your child. Both involve water. Both involve thrashing around. 

When The Answer Is "No"

Ever pray for something that didn’t get the response you were hoping for? Ever have faith in something that didn’t happen? Ever knock on the door only to seemingly have it opened enough for you to see to the other side, but then slammed in your face? Ever been so disappointed it physically hurt?

Maybe you were left with a feeling of rejection, abandonment, or a feeling of being shunned. Maybe you felt confused. Maybe you were crushed and dumbfounded. Maybe you felt deceived or were just numb. We are told if we have faith the size of a mustard seed, we can move mountains. What if you have faith greater than that seed, but the mountain doesn’t move?

After the death of my Mother, I really wanted to stand up and shout to the world that we are all going to die, and most of us will have a slow suffering death. I was mad at the world that had robbed and put her though so much. I realized it will rob most of us in ways that will march us to our inevitable death bed. I thought everyone should know this truth. Pretty encouraging, right? Thankfully, I restrained from shouting this out in crowds in an effort to protect my family and friends from thinking I was losing my mind.  As the sting of losing her battles the blessings that flood my way, I’ve lost the want to stress that point to everyone. That’s a good thing. Light is stronger than darkness.

As my Mother laid in a hospital bed getting sicker and sicker, I had all the faith in the world God was going to save her with the transplant she desperately needed. I waited. Day after day after day, I waited. As I poured over scripture that reassured me He saves and heals those in need, I clung to that hope. The door violently slammed. The transplant never happened, and the answer to my prayer was, “No.” I can’t express how much it hurt. I knew He could have saved her, but He didn’t.

I refuse to go to Him with the question of “why?” I know what the answer would be. I knew it the second the question even popped in my head after she died. Job in the Bible asked it and was put in his place. I think The Lord responded with something like, “Where were you when I formed the earth?!” I know my place and am not going there with that question. When it’s all been said and done, I’m left with the fact I still trust Him.  I know He sees all the “what if’s” of every situation and makes decisions based on what is best for us. Maybe what was best for her was not that transplant. Maybe it’s not all about me, and what I want.

Here’s the thing: A sovereign God always hears, always cares, and always answers. Sometimes the answer isn’t what we want or even what we have faith in. There’s a difference between what He CAN do and what He WILL do. Ouch. Not many praise songs on that topic, is there? We don’t like to talk about it, but it’s reality. We live in a dark world. Bad things happen.  Sometimes He doesn’t answer the way we want. The question isn’t whether He is sovereign. The question is whether we will still trust even though we hurt, and even when the answer is “no.” 

I struggle with parenting my son at times. I try to teach him manners, respect, and the difference between right and wrong. There are situations where he does everything right. He asks nicely, he is respectful, and does everything I’ve taught him. Sometimes I have to tell him “No” anyway. As I watch him cry and hurt about what seems so unfair, I hurt too. I hate hurting him, even when I know it’s what is best for him.  Recently, it’s in those moments I realize my parenting is just a mirror image of the One who made and parents me. Just as I hope my son will trust me because I know what’s best, I need to trust God’s plan too. I must go on and move forward. I still hurt, still process, and still feel angry at the world and all the darkness in it. I however still trust in the One who hurts with me. I still trust His plan even though there are things I don’t understand in it. After all, He’s the One directing the steps.

The LORD directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way? Proverbs 20:24

Big Boy, Slides, and Joy in Today

It’s not like I wasn’t warned this would happen.  My little boy is growing up way too fast.  Yesterday at the park, he climbed the ladder up to the slide by himself. Although I was clapping and cheering him on, I was oddly hurting a bit at the same time. Sometimes, he hasn’t needed me to be at the bottom of the slide to catch him when he musters the courage to go down.  Once at the park yesterday, he wanted to try a bigger slide.  It was higher up so, I walked behind him, just in case he would need me.  Although he did need some encouragement to go down, it didn’t take him long. What a bittersweet moment of sadness vs. joy as I let go of his hand and watched him spiral down the “big” slide.

He’s a sweet boy. You can see it in the mornings when he gently lifts my shirt to see the growing belly we call, “Baby.”  He then leans in and kisses his baby sister/brother and pulls my shirt to cover it again. You can see it when his Daddy comes home from work and he promptly snuggles in for an extended time of cuddles while whispering “Dada, Dada,” while smiling. 

Sure, we have entered into the world of tantrums. We have learned and even frequent the word, “No,” throughout the day. We throw our food and forget that yelling is an “outside voice.”  We kick and cry through diaper changes. I’m even known to have daydreams of taking a random bubble bath to allow Calgon to “Take me away.” Those necessary tests of boundaries are normal for his development, and I know that. This season is a strong one, shaping who he will become later in life.

I dream of the man he will grow up to be at the same time I ache to see him grow. In many ways, he’s still that little baby I brought home from the hospital and always will be. I know, I know, just wait until he goes to kindergarten, or to college, or gets married.  The slide is just the beginning. I dream and pray for the man he will become, but just didn’t realize he was on his way so quickly. Is there a way to freeze time to get a few more cuddles in? 

Nope, there’s not. That’s why today when the weather man announced it will be 85 degrees out, I decided to change our plans. I looked over my list, (Yes, I’m so anal, I keep lists on everyday tasks. Why? Because they make me feel like there is actually order in the world) and moved playing outside in the sand box to #1. We may even eat our lunch outside- picnic style. Today, I choose to not give an internal eye roll at the sight of him reaching for the same book we’ve read 8 times already this morning. Today, I embrace it. In a blink of an eye, he won’t need me to read to him anymore. In a split second, he will be going off to college. And so, I’m thankful for today and all that comes with it. Although it may throw a few challenges my way, it feels pretty close to being perfect.  Today I celebrate cheering from the side of the slide instead of having him on my lap and going down with him. It’s a different viewpoint to watch the wind whip through his hair, but it’s a pretty blessed one at that. At this viewpoint, I get an even better shot of his smiles. 

Getting Rid of Stuff

Recently I’ve entered a season of seeing the overwhelming need to get my “stuff” together.  I need to get going on transforming our old office into the nursery for the baby. The cleaning out and re-organizing the house to fit everything is not something I look forward to doing. I’m procrastinating, and I know it. I know I’ll need to throw things out that I really want to hang onto.  This house is only so big. It can’t hold everything. When it’s done, and clean, fresh paint is on the wall, and everything is in the correct place, that will be a great feeling.  It will be worth it all in the end. A beautiful and precious baby will fill the space where the unneeded stuff once was. 

Here’s the thing: The office isn’t the only thing I need to clean out. Turns out I’ve got other “stuff” to deal with too.  Ever sense you need to make some changes, and then that reminder keeps popping up every time you turn around?  That’s where I’m at, and I can’t seem to dodge it. Not only does the closet in the office have baggage that needs to be thrown out, so does my heart. 

Pride. Anger. Stubbornness. Guilt. Insecurity. These are just a few of the things that need to be hauled to the trash. Let’s face it, these things won’t be going to the Goodwill donation bin. Nobody wants them. They need to be trashed. I know exactly what dumpster has their name on it. Learning to let go and pitch them in? That’s the hard part.  For some reason, it’s hard to let them go. Unfortunately, they fall into a group of things that hold many of us captive of enjoying the life we were meant to have.

The scary part, and the one most pressing upon me, is that if I don’t take care of the baggage now, I’m overwhelmingly realizing my children will inherit it. Oh, how I long for them to not battle the same issues I do.  I long to be a better wife, mother, and follower of Christ. That is the core of the plea I can hear from deep within. 

I’m thankful for other women that spur me to be a better person on a regular basis. Challenge can be healthy.  I’m thankful for a supportive and prayerful husband, especially one who loves me and probably doesn’t see how flawed as I know I am. I’m thankful for a church that isn’t afraid to say it like it is when it comes to the need to change, and somehow manages to speak on the very topics that are pressing on my heart each week. I’m thankful for instrumental people who are willing to hold me accountable in my spiritual sojourn’s goals. I’m thankful for the Lord giving me the courage to take steps in making changes and slowing getting a jump start on the Spiritual Spring cleaning I so need. 

And so, my journey to clean out, organize, and put a layer of fresh paint on walls, goes on. I’ll need to throw out things I don’t need, to make room for something precious and beautiful.

Instead of bronze I will bring you gold, and silver in place of iron.
Instead of wood I will bring you bronze, and iron in place of stones.
 I will make peace your governor 
and well-being your ruler. – Isaiah 60:17

First World Problems

Quilted Northern Commercial: "It's time to get real about what happens in the bathroom. Stop all the cutesy stuff and start talking about what you really want from your toilet paper.......(In a very serious tone of voice) For myself, for my family- It keeps us clean"

Wow. People are dying all over the world from hunger and we need to get serious about what we want from our toilet paper? Is it me, or are we really missing something?

I know marketing is geared towards what society demands. I get that. We demand luxury. I’m not saying people should be uncomfortable in the bathroom either. Perhaps I’m on high alert after a recent discussion with friends about need vs. luxury. However, let’s face it, if “not soft enough” toilet paper is your most pressing issue in life, you are among the richest people in the world. 

I’ve seen some of the poorest of poor in the world.  I’ve even envied that something they have where they appear to “get” life better than I do. And I, being the one who lives a life where I have more than I need. Then again, I do live in a country where we “need” to get serious about toilet paper.  

The picture above is of a little boy I met a few years ago. He and his 4 other orphan brothers lived in a small shack by themselves. The stale food behind him is all they had to eat for the week. Soft toilet paper was not on the top of his list of needs. He represents millions of others lacking basic needs to survive. 

Perhaps we need to get serious about things that truly matter in life. Perhaps we need to spend less thought and money on toilet paper and more on others. Perhaps the finer things in life cannot be bought but experienced. Perhaps we should get real, and stop all the cutesy stuff and start talking about important things in life.  Why? For ourselves, for our families, and for others that are in true need.