Ever pray for something that
didn’t get the response you were hoping for? Ever have faith in something that
didn’t happen? Ever knock on the door only to seemingly have it opened enough
for you to see to the other side, but then slammed in your face? Ever been so
disappointed it physically hurt?
Maybe you were left with a
feeling of rejection, abandonment, or a feeling of being shunned. Maybe you
felt confused. Maybe you were crushed and dumbfounded. Maybe you felt deceived
or were just numb. We are told if we have faith the size of a mustard seed, we
can move mountains. What if you have faith greater than that seed, but the
mountain doesn’t move?
After the death of my Mother,
I really wanted to stand up and shout to the world that we are all going to die,
and most of us will have a slow suffering death. I was mad at the world that
had robbed and put her though so much. I realized it will rob most of us in
ways that will march us to our inevitable death bed. I thought everyone should
know this truth. Pretty encouraging, right? Thankfully, I restrained from shouting
this out in crowds in an effort to protect my family and friends from thinking
I was losing my mind. As the sting of
losing her battles the blessings that flood my way, I’ve lost the want to
stress that point to everyone. That’s a good thing. Light is stronger than
darkness.
As my Mother laid in a hospital
bed getting sicker and sicker, I had all the faith in the world God was going
to save her with the transplant she desperately needed. I waited. Day after day
after day, I waited. As I poured over scripture that reassured me He saves and
heals those in need, I clung to that hope. The door violently slammed. The
transplant never happened, and the answer to my prayer was, “No.” I can’t
express how much it hurt. I knew He could have saved her, but He didn’t.
I refuse to go to Him with
the question of “why?” I know what the answer would be. I knew it the second
the question even popped in my head after she died. Job in the Bible asked it
and was put in his place. I think The Lord responded with something like,
“Where were you when I formed the earth?!” I know my place and am not going
there with that question. When it’s all been said and done, I’m left with the
fact I still trust Him. I know He sees
all the “what if’s” of every situation and makes decisions based on what is
best for us. Maybe what was best for her was not that transplant. Maybe it’s
not all about me, and what I want.
Here’s the thing: A sovereign
God always hears, always cares, and always answers. Sometimes the answer isn’t
what we want or even what we have faith in. There’s a difference between what He CAN do and what He WILL do. Ouch. Not many praise songs on that topic, is
there? We don’t like to talk about it, but it’s reality. We live in a dark world.
Bad things happen. Sometimes He doesn’t
answer the way we want. The question isn’t whether He is sovereign. The
question is whether we will still trust even though we hurt, and even when the
answer is “no.”
I struggle with parenting my
son at times. I try to teach him manners, respect, and the difference between
right and wrong. There are situations where he does everything right. He asks
nicely, he is respectful, and does everything I’ve taught him. Sometimes I have
to tell him “No” anyway. As I watch him cry and hurt about what seems so
unfair, I hurt too. I hate hurting him, even when I know it’s what is best for
him. Recently, it’s in those moments I
realize my parenting is just a mirror image of the One who made and parents me.
Just as I hope my son will trust me because I know what’s best, I need to trust
God’s plan too. I must go on and move forward. I still hurt, still process, and
still feel angry at the world and all the darkness in it. I however still trust
in the One who hurts with me. I still trust His plan even though there are
things I don’t understand in it. After all, He’s the One directing the steps.
The
LORD directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?
Proverbs 20:24
